Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Step 25: Help The Confused

Reluctantly, I feel obligated to respond to the disturbingly large amount of people who have expressed significant confusion as to what exactly this blog is. Many people don't "understand what the hell this thing is supposed to be".

So I'll be adding a "Frequently Asked Question" page, as soon as I figure out how to do that (or until one of my blogger/readers just tells me, which would be the best case scenario). For now, I think my first post says it the best, and it doesn't require any additional work for me:

"Lots of people make internet money by getting book deals based on their blogs. I can type legibly, so I figure I can probably blog. But what about? After nearly a week of intermittent thinking, I came up with an idea, with the help of my wife, who sort of was the one who came up with the idea: The blog will be about my efforts to get a book deal based on this blog."

Still flummoxed? Try starting from the aforementioned first post and reading GMABD backwards, i.e. sequentially/chronologically, for a more book-like experience. That should clear things up.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Step 24: Get A Head Start On Follow-Up Books

Picture this: Dogs Looking At Household Objects, The Book. Or Upside Down Pictures Of Average-Looking Babies, The Book. Once I've got a book deal for GMABkDee, I'll parlay those contacts into "deals" for one of those two other sure-firers. If anyone owns a camera, let me know thx.

Step 23: Briefly Consider Adding Premium Content

A "Bailey Regan", one of my typically enthusiastic commenters, recently suggested creating some type of premium content for this barn-burner of a blog. As this post title suggests, I considered it for a relatively small amount of time. Concerns:
  1. Adding premium content would necessitate having standard-access content in the first place, which continues to be an issue.
  2. Bailey's specific idea about payment for said theoretical content, "Instead of paying actual money, users could submit their unwanted gold, silver, or platinum jewelry in exchange for access," might conflict with today's economic realities. I figure that everyone with semi-precious metals is currently melting them down to create hardened shields to using during the impending food/medicine riots. So I'm going to have to shoot that one down. Sorry Bailey! Keep your ideas coming, except for the bad ones!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Step 22: Attempt To Recover From Meeting With A Book Publisher

Okay. So today I met with my friend who works at a book publishing company. I pitched GMABD as a candidate for a BD.

She didn't kick me in the mouth. I'll say that.

No book deal as of yet. In so many words, she said that I would definitely get a book deal if I convince someone to give me one. But apparently that'll require work, which is unfortunate. I'll have to put more time and effort into this thing. Like commit to writing more than .68 posts a day. And actually, seriously, earnestly and sweetly try to make this thing relatively worth anyone's fleeting attention. Again, work. Not ideal.

Some off-my-cuff ideas for new content:
  • sample book covers (saving the publisher work) (they'll be created in Microsoft Paint)
  • a host of options for the book-jacket picture of the author. I might need Powerpoint to comp those up.
  • offbeat cat-related images
  • pictures of animals getting in skateboarding accidents
  • outright slander of people who are only famous to small groups of people
Write back soon.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Step 21: Casually Set Up A Meeting With A Book Publisher

Shit. Shit.

So I know someone who's sort of high-ish up at a major book publishing company. I sort of non-chalantly, off-handedly, repeatedly begged her to meet with me about this project. For some reason, she accepted. We'll be meeting on Monday.


Just so you know, I may need to re-write this entire blog over the weekend to make it even remotely worth purchasing. Honestly, there's no time, and I have nothing to say or offer -- I'll probably have to just cut and paste a few weeks worth of a cool blog like Stereogum or LifeHacker or LobeHacker.

I'll worry about the abject copyright infringement later. The important thing is to get a book deal, the rest will take care of itself.

Pray for me. If you're an atheist, find God, then pray for me. Thx xo.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Step 20: Respond To Allegations That I Look Developmentally Disabled In My Profile Picture

This has been a recurring theme the G.M.A.B.Deal. comments -- helpful notes about how my profile picture makes me appear to be a bit handicapable, thinking-wise. First off, I admire your courage and honestly. Let's get that out of the way.

Secondly, I like my picture. Sure, I may have caught myself by surprise when I took it. But if I'm going to get a book deal, I need to seem accessible. If I had posed for a professional portrait that I couldn't possibly afford, I would have intimidated the fuck out of you people. My cheekbones are extraordinarily aggressive, my chin devilishly weak, and my eyes so searing that they could cut a laser in half.

You're simply not ready for it. That's why I'll have all the attendees on the Give Me A Book Tour professionally blinded. It's my responsibility.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Step 19: Advertise!

So it's all working. While I'm chock empty of ideas about creating relevant content of any kind, the crowdsourcery is cranking away. In the comment area after my last post, in which I joked about running ads on my shamefully large forehead, I got some great and insulting feedback/ideas. Then I put them to use:
fat bastard said...

"forget ad banners, unless it's for more shameless self-promotion."

Perfect, great idea. But how?
Scott and Kristin Regan said...

Now you just need to Botox those railroad tracks you have running across your forehead.

This insult made me realize that I could use my above-eyebrow wrinkles as horizontal guidelines for text on said ad banners. And so...

BEHOLD!!! My new banner ad on the right side of this page. Now I can drive incremental traffic without earning it, like those ads that shake and indicate that your computer is broken. I'm rubbing elbows with the pros! Here come the Book Deals, people. I won't forget you when I abandon you after I get one.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Step 18: Update The People On Step 14

NEWS: GivMABDers seem to really be responding to Step 14, which regarded the idea of publishing horribly uninteresting bullshit about my plodding daily life. Here goes!!!

So, about my haircut -- you wouldn't believe it, I ALMOST MISSED MY APPOINTMENT AGAIN!! Ahhhh, work!!! Why does it have to be so much work, right??? I feel like Cathy.

But my hair lady Nikki was totally cool about it, she's great. Okay, no more ado: here's where we were 3 days ago:

And here's the new cut!!

Admittedly it's a little lifeless because there's not enough product or natural body oils in it, but I think she nailed it again. And I'm considering running ad banners on my forehead. I'm just kidding. Hit me back with comments (but only good ones. I'm just kidding).

Step 17: Shove The Darkness Away!

Great news everybody -- after a full day of innermost soul-searching, I've realized that my pursuit of a book deal is at least as important as that Darfur thing from a while back. Thank God. Let's do this!

Note to publishers: Yes, I'll be comfortable with deleting the "weird parts" of thIs blog for the book-version. Again, the actual content is irrelevant to me, it's that darn book deal that I care about. Cool!

On with the things!!!!)%!!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Step 17: Respond To Antonio Scarpacci's Tear-Inducing Comment on Step 16

Antonio Scarpacci, you are like an angel with a longer name. You are a tiny golden buoy in a stale, tepid, waveless ocean of silence and worry.

As for your suggestion of using celebrity-related things as content on this doomed site... shit, as for anything, I'm not sure it's worth it. But celebrities have been porked to death by every other site on the web. I could redirect this URL to the TMZ or Perez Whateverthefuck, but then I'll only be giving them the gentle push/eyeballs they need to get their own book deals.

I'm not gone, people. I have a hollow tree near my house that I call my Quiet Tree, or just "Tree". I'm going there now. I hope to see you when I emerge. It will probably be in about 2.5 hours.

Step 16: Panic, Plunge Into Crippling Despair and Self-Destruction

What's wrong with me? What the fuck am I doing? This whole thing is a fucking joke, except it's on me. I'm like a child, but stupider. Fuck.

It would be easy to blame my wife for coming up with this idea and then encouraging/subliminally pressuring me to actually write the damn thing. So I will.

If it was possible to puke on a blog, then burn it to the ground, that's what I would do.

If you can think of a way to make this crapheap worth anyone's time, comment away. But don't say porn, for god's sake. It's childish, and what am I gonna do, publish videos in this farcical book? Porn flipbooks? What is this, 1815? Or maybe some "erotic literature"? Please. Get real.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Step 15: Assume Success

At this point, it's pretty obvious that I'm gonna get a book deal in like 10 minutes. The time has come to start designing said book. Let's do this.

First off, the title will be Give Me A Book Deal, The Book About The Blog About My Efforts To Get A Book Deal Based on That Blog. Duh.

The other brilliant thing I came up with is that it'll be two books in one. How?!?!?? You'll be able to read it reverse-chronologically, like the blog, or you can flip it over and read it backwards, i.e. chronologically, so it's more book-like. Like the pages are printed on both sides. I know. That's some sexy value right there.

Publishers, the longer you wait, the higher the price goes. I'm just saying.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Step 14: Bullshit? (UPDATED)

One very popular avenue of bloggery I haven't pursued yet is to update my adoring hordes about uninteresting personal bullshit that no one could possibly care about. To me, that stinks like an opportunity. Watch:

I'm getting my hair cut tonight. It's long right now but not crazy long, but I usually wait too long to get it cut but then it gets totally huge and bushy and then I wish I had gotten it cut earlier. So we'll see how it goes. Updates later!!!

Here's how it looks right now:

UPDATE: OMG it turns out I had the wrong date for my haircut appointment, it was totally on Tuesday, and they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back on Wednesday OMG. Stay tuned!!!!?.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Step 13: Brainstorm With No One

Some mind-bending content ideas I'm gonna throw out there, some of which were suggested by the same offline friend referenced in Step 12.

So I know that I can't post videos or links, as they can't be printed in the book for which I get a deal. But I could post:
  • pictures of videos
  • pictures of links
  • belabored, sloppily constructed explanations of videos or links that would be hugely less interesting or entertaining than the videos or links themselves
  • flipbooks
I can hear my own engine warming up. Can you? Yes.

Step 12: Eureka!/Failure!

Something didn't quite sit right with me about that last post -- my linking to a video. What's wrong, I thought, concerned and vexed.


Then it hit me while I was commuting: You can't put a video in a book! Fuck!

See, the whole reason that publishers are snapping up these blog-books is that they're already written. Stuff like "Stuff White People Like", for example. They just printed the blog! Bingo bango! It's easy and cheap!


Thank God, I have a rule, I can wrap it around me like a treasured Army blanket. I was getting scared there for a second, but I'm figuring it out.

NOTE: I was discussing the video thing with an offline friend and we briefly proposed the idea of integrated flipbooks within the book, but that's just insane. Unless the publisher who gives me a book deal is down with the idea, in which case I am pro-flipbook.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Step 11: Borrow Interest (UPDATED)

Bear in mind, this is all an experiment, but I'm considering providing GiveMABookDers with fun/entertainment FROM OUTSIDE THIS BLOG. I've been entertained by this tactic on other blogs, and I need to start stealing successful ideas.

Such as: this f'ing hysterical commercial -- a finalist for Doritos Superbowl commercial contest -- created by none other than Friend-of-GmeABD Oren Brimer and pals.

So go check out this other person's thing, then give me credit for it. That's how this works.


UPDATE: It seems that the link to the "hysterical commercial" below isn't driving everyone directly to the commercial in question. I don't have the blogging wherewithal to fix it, but if you follow that link and click the TV, you'll see the 5 finalist videos, and the one you want is called "New Flavor Pitch". I believe that it's worth all the laborious clicking.

Step Ten UPDATE: Porn Y/N (N)

After sleeping on it, the GMABD team has decided against the inclusion of porn as traffic-inducer. While we got as many as 5 votes on the poll, and some helpful email feedback like "men want porn on the website and women dont", we decided that it's not unique enough.

To get a book deal, we're gonna need an angle. A hook. Something give-a-shitable. Maybe some actual content. But what?!

Users: please generate some, thx.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Step Ten: Porn Y/N

So I've been getting assaulted with awesome feedback and hot site activity ever since I blasted my contacts with the news of GMABD's existence. It's all been hugely positive, although some people have been confused or dismissively confused. I'll be adding an FAQ area shortly.

One big vein of suggestions has been about P0Rn. Many people think I should include it as an easy way to draw traffic. Here's where I crowd-source the fuck out of things: I've opened that question up to all you loyal GMABDers out there -- check out the poll on the right that I just figured out how to make.

Step Nine: Unleash The Thunder

Okay, I just emailed pretty much everybody I know about this explosive blogging project, and also added it to my Facebook in a bunch of places. Get ready.

For the overwhelming hordes that have just arrived at this site: yes, you can comment freely and often (as opposed to emailing me, as it's less work for me to then cut/paste/publish your feedback, and I'd also like to keep this email address open for book deal offers.)

You're part of it, everybody! Get excited!

Step Eight: Success.

Okay, so the outreach to my family totally worked. I got two responses in the comments of that last post and... I officially have one "follower" on this blog. I'm not sure what that means but I think it means that they get updates when I post stuff. Regardless, it's my nephew, which means that I've now penetrated the critical 13-18 demo. Gen Y, I fucking own you.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Step Seven: Family First

Just sent an email to my immediate family, alerting them about this blog. I'm now preparing for a smattering of light-hearted/pointed/mildly hurtful feedback, along with some legitimate attaboys.

Family members: please submit your barbs/praise in the comments area. I love you. Awwww.

Step Six: Procrastinate By Writing A Post Whose Only Purpose Is To Make This Column Longer And Thus Make This Blog Appear More Substantial

Done and done.

Step Five: Operation Unstoppable Virus

Okay, enough stalling. It's time to actually start doing the activities outlined in Step Two. And that'll be tough, because first I need to overcome the shame of begging people to assist me with this hugely self-indulgent and/or ridiculous activity.

I'm feeling that some stalling is in order.

NOTE: I need to figure out how to stop this thing from being so obscenely self-referential that it becomes the proverbial snake eating its own hipster tail. OR DO I???!!!????!.

Step Four: Make This Blog Even Vaguely Interesting/Entertaining


Okay, the best and easiest-to-make blogs enlist their audiences as content contributors. But who would actually put creative energy into this when the only goal is to get me, not them, a book deal?

If you have any ideas about how I can convince people to do that, please enter a comment.

Step Three: Court The Blogosphere

My only concern is that other bloggers will be jealous of me. No matter, that's a risk I'll have to take.

I know a few people who have blogs. Some even write for corporate blogs of various sizes. But for them to give a shit, I'll have to make this blog vaguely interesting or entertaining.

Think, dammit, think.

Step Two: Gain An Audience

Hmmm. Tough one. I'll definitely be word-of-mouthing it with a vengeance, emailing everybody I know, and hitting the Facebook like a fucking wrecking ball. But my contacts can only take me so far, and they'll probably ignore me anyway. They lack vision.

I've got to capture the imagination of other bloggers. Wish me luck.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Step One: Create Blog

Like everybody else, I've been trying to figure out how to make thousands of dollars on the internet. But how?!!?

Lots of people make internet money by getting book deals based on their blogs. BINGO.

I can type legibly, so I figure I can probably blog. But what about?

After nearly a week of intermittent thinking, I came up with an idea, with the help of my wife, who sort of was the one who came up with the idea:

The blog will be about my efforts to get a book deal based on this blog.

Money, here I come.