Monday, March 30, 2009

Idea 9 - The Torch Of Fate

Write what you know, they say. But who wants to read about marine welding? Unless...

A raven cries its final raven cry as it drops from his calloused hands into the waiting harbor.

"Vampires aren't supposed to drink bird blood, Alexander. Even a washed up shipwreck of a vampire like you."

Herr Ungold had been watching the whole time.

"Ungold, I'm not a vampire. I'm a welder who happens to be a vampire, that's all. Nothing's changed, except now I don't mind pulling the night shift. So either go fuck yourself or hand me that acetylene torch, but either way I'm done talkin'.

But Ungold had already disappeared.

"Bastard's right," Alex muttered aloud, dropping his metal mask over his face with a quick, practiced nod. "Fuck."

Those Twilight nuts are growing up. And when they do, the stoic yet sexy world of vampire welders will be a-waitin'. Can't miss.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Idea 8 - Fun With Wrinkles

Okay, this one's a hip travelogue, like a Sarah Vowell book but a lot more mature and with 100% more sex. Hold on to your reading hats:

I disguise myself as an elderly nudist woman named Deborah and tour the world's most senior-friendly naturalist destinations. Themes explored:

-Perception vs Reality
-Perfectly Understandable Ageism Among Nudists
-Innovations in Latex Disguises
-Old People Doing It

I've never bought the whole idea that nudism isn't at least partly about fucking more than usual. I think they all say that so their colonies don't get overcrowded.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Idea 7 - My Year Without Contractions

What happens to a man when he can not combine commonly combined words for an extended period of time? Will our time-starved, contraction-crazy society allow it? Let us find out.

When I tell my friends, "I am not allowed to go to the mall with you," they will have two reasons laugh at me.

Imagine the embarrassment as I try to join my co-workers in a singalong of the Alannis Morisette classic, (Is It Not) Ironic? The disapproving looks I'll get as I belt out the modified refrain "Do You Not Think?" may be more than I can handle.

These something-for-a-year books are really hot right now, and I bet there's an anti-contraction subculture out there that I can tap into. Seems like there's one of those for everything these days. Like for knitters.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Idea 6 - Booooooooooooooom!!!!

This novel will blow you away, but not literally. Why? Because it's about one of those guys who does professional fireworks shows for a living. Let's call him "Joe Blast".

As the exciting novel begins, Joe's riding a technicolor shockwave of success from July 4th through the Chinese New Year and back again. And of course, the groupies are just as hot as a Bloomin' Cherry Pandemonium, and also as red.

But after a typical accident beheads some kids, Joe begins a book-long journey into himself, while slowly descending into the twin seedy worlds of fireworks manufacturing and miniature horsefighting. And also probably drug addiction.

Not sure how Joe turns it all around, but at the end, "redemption" is writ large and fiery in the exotic skies of Taipei. Literally. Like it he makes it so it says the word "redemption" in firework explosions. (But in the language they speak in Taipei).

Monday, March 23, 2009

Idea 5 - Bloodletters, Volume 1

Where haven't I gone yet? To a collection of short horror stories, that's where:

A woman discovers that her lower jaw... is haunted.

A group of childhood friends discover that the local child molester... might not be as innocent as he seems.

A man in Iowa discovers that the twin he ingested in the womb... is gay.

Crap, this is easy! I could easily be the next Stephen King/that guy who made Signs, I forget his name but I bet that movie was really good.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Idea 4 - Hairsasters

Quirky memoir? Why not:

This one'll be an in-depth exploration of all the terrible haircuts I've had over my 30-plus years, which is most of them. It's a perfect hairstorm of bankable irony, retro-nostalgia (many existed in the currently-hot, always-funny 80s), and legitimately therapeutic catharsis/self-help-ism.

Bingo. Gold medal. Best-seller.

Note: as a hysterical bonus, most haircut photos will coincidentally depict me wearing mock turtlenecks.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Idea 3 - I Hate Farming

We're going non-fiction this time around. Get this:

Farmers who hate farming. I traverse the heartland in an old Ford F-150 hybrid, talking to traditional family farmers who absolutely loathe what they do (understandably). I interview the lazy, the bored, the honest, and the soft-handed as they dejectedly refute the idea that there's any measure of stoic satisfaction that justifies busting your ass outdoors every day.

Of course, the text would be paired with breathtaking, coffee-table-worthy photos of our disappearing agricultural heritage and plain-faced field-workers giving the thumbs up sign.

One side-benefit of this book is that it might cause people to stop complaining about how they hate working in an office all day, when the alternative is generally back-breaking physical labor. That phenomenon sort of drives me nuts.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Idea 2 - The Frigidness

This one's sort of like Into The Wild mixed with Stella Got Her Groove Back:

The world's third-ranked female Iditarod competitor is faced with a harrowing mid-race choice: either shoot her injured favorite dog Spirit and try to make up some time, or abandon the race, fashion a crude tail splint, and rush him to the nearest dog doctor over 8,000 miles away.

As she wrangles over the decision, we flash back to her childhood in Afghanistan and her first marriage to Noam Chomsky.

I feel like this one needs some sex, but I'm not sure it should be with Chomsky.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Idea 1 - Step Right Up

Okay--first book idea off the top of my head. This one's like an offbeat Chabon/Geek Love deal:

A sideshow barker with TB slowly works his way up from dusty backwater sideshows to indoor backwater sideshows where his symptoms are less pronounced. Along the way he learns that love doesn't follow the rules and fathers a series of demented children even though he doesn't have functioning genitals--did I mention he's transgendered? He's transgendered.

Well I'd buy that book. Also, that movie Transamerica did really well, and this is basically the same thing except with organ grinder music. Sold.

Step 33: Come Up With An Idea?

Shit. I'm loathe to do this -- again, it's the deal that matters to me; the actual content of the book is sort of a necessary evil -- but it seems like I'm going to have to come up with an idea of some kind. Why? Well, my metaphorical doors haven't exactly been kicked down by literal publishers, that's why. My guess is that they're hung up on the fact that so far there's no sign of anything that anyone would be interested in. Fucking traditionalists.

So please, do your part. Come up with some great book ideas and add them in the comments. I'll credit you in the foreword or something.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Step 32: Quit My Job

Right? How else am I gonna find time to constantly update this blog/generate a groundswell of web-buzz that gets me the BD? I'd complain about the insane hours I've been working, but lots of people don't have jobs right now, so then I'd sound like a dick.

But I'm sure you've been gnashing your mental teeth every time you've checked this site over the last three weeks and found almost no sexy entries. All I can say is that I love you, keep gnashing those brainteeth, and know that my big work project is finally over. Whew!

Publishers, I've got an idea: advance = I quit. Just tossin' it out there.