You want serious topical non-fiction? Sunday morning talk show stuff? Get this: two days ago, Somali pirates seized an American ship. You probably saw it all over the news. Well I think it's time somebody noticed.
While rest of Duh-merica sits on their ivory couches, I'll be lighting a book-shaped firecracker and stuffing under their medium-sized asses. Kaboom goes your pirate-coddling agenda.
In this searing political screed, I'll brazenly postulate that the crimes these thieves committed were illegal.
I'll courageously refute the claim that they create flourishing undersea habitats by sinking so many ships full of so many meaty bodies. You have my word as a grandstanding zealot -- No stone will be left un-attacked.
Sure, you can turn a blind eye if you like. But you can't deny that this book must happen. Actually I suppose you can, but you shouldn't.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Idea 15 - Magical Little Faces
Non-fiction. Real elves.
I'll research and interview the actual magical small folks who have inspired all those legends over the years. I may have to pay them in hard candies and exotic flowers, but they'll talk.
I'll slowly win their trust by skipping around their trees and singing their praises while strumming a peppy tune on my lyre. I won't crack any jokes about Keebler or making shoes in the night for old cobblers -- they hate that shit.
When they think they're my friends, I'll trap them in one of those nets made out of olive vines that's been blessed by a wizard, and then it's interview time, baby.
And listen, if anyone out there's offended, let's just say that I happen to know that my quest was foretold in The Glerkin Prophesies. So shut the fuck up.
I'll research and interview the actual magical small folks who have inspired all those legends over the years. I may have to pay them in hard candies and exotic flowers, but they'll talk.
I'll slowly win their trust by skipping around their trees and singing their praises while strumming a peppy tune on my lyre. I won't crack any jokes about Keebler or making shoes in the night for old cobblers -- they hate that shit.
When they think they're my friends, I'll trap them in one of those nets made out of olive vines that's been blessed by a wizard, and then it's interview time, baby.
And listen, if anyone out there's offended, let's just say that I happen to know that my quest was foretold in The Glerkin Prophesies. So shut the fuck up.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Idea 14 - Babypocalypse
Everybody loves babies. Lil' cerubic scamps. And everybody loves to speculate about the apocalypse. You say you liked Blindness, the award-winning Jose Saramago masterpiece-turned-feature-film? Compared to this one, that thing reads like Goodnight Moon. Look:
At first, there's widespread joy. Babies spring up en masse out of odd places like car mufflers and sink drains. They're playful and abundant, and we all rejoice in this time of infant plenty. Then they stop aging, feeling pain, needing food, cooing, and being susceptable to physical harm of any kind. And their numbers quadruple every day. The planet is lousy with newborns.
All they do is eat everything that's not tied down, shit oddly cube-shaped nuggets of toxic waste, and cry like they've been left outside in a thunderstorm.
Everybody goes bonkers. Goodbye, society.
This might be the most original idea that's ever happened. Viral marketing opportunity: wrap the walls of nurseries with funhouse mirrors that make it look like there's infinite babies, like in Enter The Dragon.
People will flip out. And buy the crap out if the book. Watch out!
At first, there's widespread joy. Babies spring up en masse out of odd places like car mufflers and sink drains. They're playful and abundant, and we all rejoice in this time of infant plenty. Then they stop aging, feeling pain, needing food, cooing, and being susceptable to physical harm of any kind. And their numbers quadruple every day. The planet is lousy with newborns.
All they do is eat everything that's not tied down, shit oddly cube-shaped nuggets of toxic waste, and cry like they've been left outside in a thunderstorm.
Everybody goes bonkers. Goodbye, society.
This might be the most original idea that's ever happened. Viral marketing opportunity: wrap the walls of nurseries with funhouse mirrors that make it look like there's infinite babies, like in Enter The Dragon.
People will flip out. And buy the crap out if the book. Watch out!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Idea 13 - Keep Your Running Mate Close
Political thriller. Everybody loves Obama, right? What if one man didn't... but not a typical assassin guy...
Biden laughed as he drew back the poison arrow against the catgut string of the antique crossbow.
"The Secret Service actually believed me when I told them this was a family heirloom," he said with a huge-toothed smile. "And they're also going to believe that you accidentally shot yourself while imitating a drunken Kim Jong Il. No one can resist the ol' Biden grin."
Obama leveled a steely gaze toward his Vice President. His running mate. His friend.
"Joe, I can get you prostitutes the likes of which--" Thwap!
And so the Biden regime had begun. Or, as it would soon become known -- The Reign Of The Cackle.
We've got shock value, we've got politics, we've got something for bowhunters -- you tell me how this wouldn't get me on Craig Ferguson.
Biden laughed as he drew back the poison arrow against the catgut string of the antique crossbow.
"The Secret Service actually believed me when I told them this was a family heirloom," he said with a huge-toothed smile. "And they're also going to believe that you accidentally shot yourself while imitating a drunken Kim Jong Il. No one can resist the ol' Biden grin."
Obama leveled a steely gaze toward his Vice President. His running mate. His friend.
"Joe, I can get you prostitutes the likes of which--" Thwap!
And so the Biden regime had begun. Or, as it would soon become known -- The Reign Of The Cackle.
We've got shock value, we've got politics, we've got something for bowhunters -- you tell me how this wouldn't get me on Craig Ferguson.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Idea 12 - The Book
A novel-length tale of the macabre this time -- I think I'm definitely ready to take the reigns from Dean R. Koontz.
A lonely and embittered small town English teacher, his school beset by financial cockuppery, is unable to provide new books to his class. Desperate, he searches the school's mangy attic for something, anything to keep his pupils' attention. He finds tons of porn mags up there, but decides after about a half hour that it wouldn't be cool to hand those out.
But he's faced with a much tougher test when he discovers a mysterious tome called... Advanced Mind Control: How To Make Your Enemies' Heads Implode And How To Make Young Girls Turn Eighteen Instantaneously.
Will a good man be able to resist this ultimate power? Will he test the first part on dogs? Will it even work on dogs, or is it a humans-only thing?
If you look at the NYT best-seller wall at any bookstore or airport impulse-buy trap. half of the books are horror books by Koontz, King, and a bunch of other people no one has ever heard of. I could be one of those people!
A lonely and embittered small town English teacher, his school beset by financial cockuppery, is unable to provide new books to his class. Desperate, he searches the school's mangy attic for something, anything to keep his pupils' attention. He finds tons of porn mags up there, but decides after about a half hour that it wouldn't be cool to hand those out.
But he's faced with a much tougher test when he discovers a mysterious tome called... Advanced Mind Control: How To Make Your Enemies' Heads Implode And How To Make Young Girls Turn Eighteen Instantaneously.
Will a good man be able to resist this ultimate power? Will he test the first part on dogs? Will it even work on dogs, or is it a humans-only thing?
If you look at the NYT best-seller wall at any bookstore or airport impulse-buy trap. half of the books are horror books by Koontz, King, and a bunch of other people no one has ever heard of. I could be one of those people!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Idea 11 - Ultimate Air
Imagine skateboarding in Heaven. Exactly.
On the night before his first Powerfuel RipNation Championship, emerging skateboard phenom Vance Zildian is cut down by a horrific bluntside bail. As soon as his unhelmeted skull splits on the spraypainted sidewalk, Vance awakes in The Cloudy Afterlife, which looks exactly like it does in cartoons. Awesome! OR IS IT?!?!
Vance soon learns that Paradise is as dull as listening to his stepdad complain about his Gulf War Syndrome.
Where are the parties? Where are the action sports? Where are the young tramps?
God tries to pursuade him that there can be no higher high than total oneness, but Vance decides that there's only one cure for this crapfest -- it's time to shred.
It's The Catcher In The Rye for Gens Y, Z, and tweens. Cross promos with Fuel TV, Vans, and Lifetime. I could sell this thing while grabbing air, and I don't even know what that means.
On the night before his first Powerfuel RipNation Championship, emerging skateboard phenom Vance Zildian is cut down by a horrific bluntside bail. As soon as his unhelmeted skull splits on the spraypainted sidewalk, Vance awakes in The Cloudy Afterlife, which looks exactly like it does in cartoons. Awesome! OR IS IT?!?!
Vance soon learns that Paradise is as dull as listening to his stepdad complain about his Gulf War Syndrome.
Where are the parties? Where are the action sports? Where are the young tramps?
God tries to pursuade him that there can be no higher high than total oneness, but Vance decides that there's only one cure for this crapfest -- it's time to shred.
It's The Catcher In The Rye for Gens Y, Z, and tweens. Cross promos with Fuel TV, Vans, and Lifetime. I could sell this thing while grabbing air, and I don't even know what that means.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Idea 10 - Stand Up And Fail!
I've done some pretty amazing standup in my time. I know, you think could never do standup, you'd be terrified -- you just don't think you're funny enough, and of course you're dead on in that regard.
But what happens when standups aren't aware that they're not qualified to do standup? And shouldn't there be a docu-comedic travelogue-umentary about it? Yes.
I'll travel to comedy luke-warm spots all over the country, documenting the most horrible instances of on-stage failure that I come across. You'll see jokes like "What if the polar ice caps melt? Will hockey players wear Rollerblades?"* You'll meet nominal comics like the 55-year old mom of four from Long Island who kind of smiles and talks quietly about her life, as if it involved jokes.**
So the Facebook set is thirsting for some hip ironic detachment, huh? How about the repulsive enjoyment of things that are painfully unenjoyable? Check. Let's talk numbers.
*actually witnessed by me at an open mic in a respectable downtown NY venue. Yep.
**different venue, same failure
But what happens when standups aren't aware that they're not qualified to do standup? And shouldn't there be a docu-comedic travelogue-umentary about it? Yes.
I'll travel to comedy luke-warm spots all over the country, documenting the most horrible instances of on-stage failure that I come across. You'll see jokes like "What if the polar ice caps melt? Will hockey players wear Rollerblades?"* You'll meet nominal comics like the 55-year old mom of four from Long Island who kind of smiles and talks quietly about her life, as if it involved jokes.**
So the Facebook set is thirsting for some hip ironic detachment, huh? How about the repulsive enjoyment of things that are painfully unenjoyable? Check. Let's talk numbers.
*actually witnessed by me at an open mic in a respectable downtown NY venue. Yep.
**different venue, same failure
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