Saturday, February 21, 2009

Step 31: Get A Foreward Written By James Joyce

I don't know a lot about literature, other than the fact that you can make some real dough off of it. But a cool literary-ish foreward couldn't help but move a few units, especially if I can get a big name like James Joyce. I've never actually read his stuff, so I don't really know what his style is, except that he's Irish and I've heard he's all stream of consciousness-y and that he sorta makes up words here and there. I'm sure he won't mind or even notice if I ghost-write something for him:

Oh and long before and the goats walked among the very Irish-looking children the publishers did deign to give it a deal and begorragh many of the people-readers read of it and the hills came to trill of the music and hey where did you get that booke at the Barnes and Noble there was a wonderpraise review on the store display and my headmaster and I were convinced and the hills of Tralee sang of the praises of this author-man and please enjoy it signed James Joyce.

That's just a rough draft, not sure if I quite nailed his style, but I'll tell you it's a relief to not have to worry about periods or making sense.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Step 30 - Nail Some Dedications

To set the perfect tone for this book about whatever the h this book ends up being about, I've got to nail the dedication, that's for sure. Some sexy candidates for your review appear below. Make with the weirdly enthusiastic feedback ASAP.

To my loving wife--the shapely cloud upon which I rest, like a hot angel, as I float through the literary heavens. Baby, I probably couldn't have done this as quickly without you.

To Bucky, my first turtle, a Rhodesian shellback in whose eyes I found a stillness that can only be described as devine. We miss you, Buck.

To Zach Danning, the dick from my hometown who always used to fuck with me when I was in the iron lung: who's crippled now, shithead? Exactly, neither of us, nice work Sherlock. Feast your eyes on my awesome success, fuckface! Or can't you see me from your luxurious but tasteful house where you live with your smart, witty, generous wife, and conduct yourself by all accounts as a kind and decent man who had faults as a child just like any of us? Eat shit, pal!

A NOTE TO MY INEVITABLE PUBLISHERS: I'm happy to ignore these people/animals if you'd like a personal dedication--I will honestly huff your proverbial dongs right up front if it helps me ink a contract. XO.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Step 29: Inspire The Press

You know what sells books? Impossibly positive snippets from critical reviews. You see them on the back cover, on store displays, on colorful sandwich boards worn by vagrant children, etc. So I figured I'd give the reviewers a head start with some perfect chunks of cut-and-paste-ready zazz:

"Let it be known: an inspiring new voice has emerged from the fetid miasma that is today's so-called blogosphere. Allah be praised."

"As a jaded, personally miserable book critic, I can count on one creaky middle finger the number of times that I've actually enjoyed anything in life. So it is with that hooked digit that I salute the publishers of this book, who had the courage to midwife this mewling foetus of a book into our worthless, pointless existence. I am currently crying."

"LOL this book rulezz its not gay like wuthering hites that book SUCKD hit 11 if u luv rihanna."

So there you go, reviewers - just pick one. Easy. I scratch your back, you scratch me.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Step 28: Brainstorm Pseudonyms

I realized this morning over cereal that my publisher(s) may want me use a fake name for marketing purposes or to protect my family's safety. So I've been coming up with a bunch of different ones to suit various demos (demographics). Here are a few -- I'd love your feedback, thanks.

Firebird Thunderclap
Klars "Klimt" Nestlruuurde
Xerxes X. Laserton
Sir Clovis Aloysius Gentile
Dan Zanders, P.I.
Sam "Samwich" Wich
Cloris Leachman
Sweet Daisy Valentine, Sr.
Stephen King
Chase Bankroll
Dirk Mustlebaum
Electra Furtrap
DJ Records
DJ Fresh Veggies
Lady Clara Buttermilk
Blaze Railgun
Blaise Pascal
The Kraken
Señor Eduardo Olé
Vivica Snapdragon
Lil' Tiffany Pennywhistle
Skipper Bannister-Tuffleton
Charles Nelson Reilly
The Clocker

I've got about 465 more but I'd love to get your take on those so I can cut that list down a bit more before I give you the next batch.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Step 27: Begin Slipping Backward Toward The Rusty Beartrap Of Despair

So it hasn't come yet. It's been about a month and no one has kicked my door in, holding a gilded BD in their money-stained hand. Something has to give.

While I appreciate the enormous amount of comments and suggestions about this blog, you've hardly overwhelmed me with viable ideas for content. It seems that I'll have to take a more significant role in my project. Not thrilled about it.

I need to regroup with myself, and actually take action. I need to start knocking on doors and ringing on phones. You're about to see a new me, or at least read a new me. It's time I get off my BD-less ass.

Go team. (By "team" I mean me.)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Step 26: Satiate Your Need To Know Me

In keeping with the tradition of making things easy for my inevitable book-deal givers, I've decided to write my "About The Author" book-jacket thing ahead if time, i.e. now:

"A distinguished man of letters, the word-artist known only as "I Deserve It" (unless the book dealers want me to reveal my true identity, which I'll do in a flash) is considered by many to be some kind of genius. His tireless and yet hard-work-less efforts to seize this book deal from the clutches of not getting one continue to inspire talentless entrepreneurs everywhere. He lives in an understated yet ostentatious mansion with his wife and hundreds of expensive dogs."

There we go. Another barrier hurdled. You're welcome.