Friday, June 12, 2009

Idea 55 - Yes, You Can Draw Crude Genitalia!

One project I've had in the back of my head for a while is something for the kids -- kids without the confidence or artistic gifts necessary to scrawl various hoo-hoos and ding-dongs on their desks, lockers, and drunken friends' faces. We all know that such artworks are ALWAYS good for a laugh or to embarrass weaker individuals, even as adults. And such a powerful skill shouldn't be hoarded by the doodling elite. That's where I come in.

I'm sort of a pro at this kind of thing -- I can even do a decent anus lefty -- but since I can't draw on your screen with a pen, I'll just give you a taste of the instruction parts of the book:

Regardless of your gender or feelings about the global patri-oligarchy, the meat and potatoes of the junk-depiction scene will always be the phallus. Throw one up on your parents' bathroom mirror, lay one on the face of an old woman in an ad for psoriasis cream -- you can't go wrong with a hastily sketched human member. Let's get started!

As always, be sure to check to make sure no one's watching who might get you in trouble. Remember to LRL: look Left, look Right, and Listen for footsteps.

Step 1. See The Shaft
Use the context -- the space in which you plan to insert the subject matter -- to help you visualize the ideal length and width of your cylinder. After that, you only need two lines and one rule: as long as they're vaguely parallel, you're well on your way. If it looks like it could be a parking cone, you're way off.

Step 2: Reach For The Top
When it comes to expressing the head, you've got quite a few options. Simply connecting the ends of your two lines with a sideways U shape (the rounded part aiming away from the drawing's "owner") will work just fine, as long as the rest of the unit goes according to plan. For a marked improvement in realism, try connecting the ends of the U. If you're ready to attack the ureter, try a simple notch at the apex of your U's curve. ADVANCED "TIP": Experienced dong-drawers may choose to replace their U with a W in order to achieve the head and ureter in one stroke. Also great if you're in a hurry.

Step 3: Have A Balls
The scrotum is truly the magical playground of groin graffiti artists -- in fact, the elements you could bring into play can almost be dizzying. What's your perspective on the subject -- from above, thus requiring symmetrical spheres above and below your shaft's aft terminus? Or from the side, resulting in some sort of hanging bag? And if you
DO come at it sideways, do you clearly suggest two individual testicles or just a lumpy ovoid mass? Before you hyperventilate, just take a pass at the nuts with your eyes closed. Don't think -- draw.

Pretty intense, right? The crazy thing is I didn't even include the part about hair. I could spend about 30 pages on that alone -- including a new form of cross-hatching I pioneered to indicate that the beanbag in question has been recently shorn. Anyway, if that old white-mustached idiot on TV can somehow keep it going by getting people to draw turtles and crap like that, this book'll pull 'em in like that quintessential image of flies on shit. (SEQUEL ALERT!)

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