Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Idea 52 - The Drug Dealer's Guide To Novelty Pets

Any drug dealer who's worth their salt has at least one rare and unwieldy pet. Why? Well tradition, for one. They're also great for mystique -- nothing says "The quality of my stuff gives me disposable income and I also appreciate the finer things" quite like a Pygmy ferret. But ferrets are just the beginning:

Weirdness Level: Very Weird

Shit You Need: Giant-Ass Cage. These things have way too much energy,
and they'll flip the hell out if they don't have a big enough area to zip around in. You're gonna need a buttload of chickenwire and a big-ass living room. You can't keep em outside because they'll die in like 5 seconds.
Hassle Factor: Pain in the Ass.
It turns out that the little fuckers are nocturnal, so even if you stay up late as shit, they'll keep you up jumping the hell around and squeaking for no good reason.
Comments: If you want mine, email my publisher.


Weirdness Level: Pretty Weird; Creepy

Shit You Need: Not much, just a cage, and you have to buy them crickets to eat, which is pretty cool to watch. NOTE: you can even feed them roaches (I mean cockroaches), but not weed roaches as they will probably die as it turns out. And you only have to feed them every couple of days, so it's no big deal if you space on it.
Hassle Factor: Almost None
. When it comes down to it, giant spiders are pretty much a home run for the discerning dealer. They're silent, usually slow, not very dangerous, and need no attention, but still give you that "I'm mysterious/don't fuck with me" vibe that we're all after.
WHILE USING, DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO A TARANTULA'S EYES. It's like that Stephen King book "It" in there, and that shit will fuck you up.

Dang, this thing makes ME want to start dealing, if only for the cool companion. Like when I was a kid I had a chameleon that ended up getting caught in a window fan, but I'm pretty sure I could do a lot better this time around.

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