Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Idea 32 - The Scrummykin Twins Are At It Again

There's no one dumber than kids, which means that no one's easier to write for. People build whole careers out of non-threatening "stories", like how the littlest teddy bear lost its rainbow purse or some crap like that. Well hell, if all you have to do is fart out cutesy drivel without an interesting narrative or anything resembling artistry, I can do that shit in a heartbeat:

The Scrummykin Twins couldn't believe their goddamn luck. "Motherfucker!" yelled Tinkleberry. "I haven't seen this many magic fish since dad left!"

"Oh, great, let me go run and get my magical fishing pole or whatever," exclaimed Poodlegums. "I guess this is supposed to be a big deal for me, even though no one has any sense of who I am, because there's no room for character development in this pandering pile of goose shit!"

Just then, Uncle Wuzzlebear splashed his splashy way into the lemonade river. "I have a wasting disease," he said with a sigh.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure I have the stomach for children's books. I'd love to bring something of goddamn value to the genre -- I've been working on an adaptation of Grapes of Wrath where there are actual grapes that can sing and fly -- but I doubt the world is ready. Then again, if a publisher is reading this, I'll do my best to squeeze out whatever brand of brain-dead pap you need.

I seriously hate kids.

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