Thursday, August 20, 2009

Idea 88 - Another Word for "Evil"

I've never trusted crossword puzzles. They always seem like they're mocking me -- I can practically hear them laughing while I desperately attempt to decipher garbage like "world waist, never bitten". What the hell could that be?! Whatever, I don't even care. But I do think it's high time that someone exposed these asinine attention-traps for what they really are. Solve this, America:

Cruising at 35,000 feet, oblivious of an exultant sun cresting the distant horizon, Karen stared glumly at an empty row of tiny insulting boxes. She could plainly see that 46 across was the keystone of the entire puzzle, but for the life of her she couldn't crack the clue: 'hosiery unbound'.

"Is it 'loose leggings'?" she asked her oblivious neighbor, who could only roll his semi-drunken eyes. "No, dammit, that's 21 letters too short." She rubbed her nose angrily, an unusual itch serving as a welcome outlet for her puzzle-related frustration. "Recently pardoned pantaloons? Fuck."

Karen's blank, dejected gaze fixed on one particularly empty box which suddenly filled with blood.
It took her a moment to realize that it had come from her own flared nostril. Of course, she had no way of knowing that at that very instant, tens of thousands of people across the country had also sprung a vicious nasal blood leak.

For most, the first droplets had fallen in line 46
. Others had been unrelatedly punched in the face.

Oh, I can't tell you how cathartic this is. I've always thought that the contorted language of crossword clues felt Satanic, and I can already tell that putting the facts to paper will be positively orgasmic. I'd also like to lay into Sudoku, but that feels a little racist.

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