Friday, July 31, 2009

Idea 74 - Look No Further: The Responsible Use of Real X-Ray Glasses

Agreed: with the pace of technological innovation increasing at a nauseating pace, real x-ray glasses are obviously right around the corner. But I'm pretty sure that their arrival will unravel society itself, as the impulse to look through inappropriate things, like everybody's clothes, will overwhelm even the most respectful eunuch. Widespread moral degradation and rioting will ensue. But not if this book has anything to say about it:

Chapter 7: Things not to look at via your new x-ray glasses:
  • Genitals -- The appropriate behavior is to steal a quick glance at the underwear, which is enough to titillate oneself but not visually abuse someone else
  • Colonic interiors -- Eating habits are private, and it's simply not your right to peer into a stranger's innards and guess what they've ingested in the last 16-24 hours
  • Pastries -- When someone bakes a pie, what they're really baking is a surprise. A major part of the excitement of a filled pastry is what's called The Gushing Moment, when secret goo meets lips and teeth. (Also tongue.) Even if you've been told ahead of time that it's a blueberry croissant or a Boston creme, you are doing the chef an egregious disservice by "skipping ahead" to the wet part. For shame.
That's a huge relief for me, just to be able to put my concerns on paper, as it were. And I know I speak for millions of enraged citizens when I say that the time for x-ray vision legislation is NOW, not after the scourge of wanton see-throughery spoils our streets with sodden shorts and spoiled sweet surprises. That was a lot of s's!

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