Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Idea 72 - Financial Freedom and Unholy Slavery

Seems like the masses can't get enough of those how-to self-help wealth-acquisition books, even religious ones. Seriously, there's a large crop of books about how Jesus can help you get rich -- turns out He was being sarcastic about that rich man/camel/needle thing. So I feel like this is a great opportunity to put my passion for The Dark Lord to good use:

The cat blood futures market is still in its infancy, but when The Reaping comes you'll be sitting pretty atop your cauldron of feline plasma. As the Lorde Of Hell strides the charred Earth forcing the Innocents to find and guzzle inordinate amounts of kitty juice, you'll have long lines of The Desperate Doomed wrapping around your house, each one willing to empty their bank accounts on your lawn to receive slightly milder Death Sentences.


ALWAYS remember the 3 C's of the Apocalypse: Candles, Candles, Candles. The growing Horde of Deviants will require a vast amount of candles to create their own Pentagram alters, so it's wise to consider an investment in widely accessible retail chains like Wicks n' Sticks and even Bed Bath & Beyond. NOTE: Remember to avoid Yankee Candle like one of the coming Plagues, as The Walking Demoncock has a thing against that place (understandably).


Even the most sociopathic Heathen needs a diversified portfolio. 'Nuff said.

I don't want to push my religion on anyone, I'm just all about giving people options and tools that can help them flourish in this world before they spend a thousand eternities repeatedly devouring their own bowels and crying tears of battery acid.

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