Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Idea 94 - David And God In The Bathroom

Apparently young adults are reading books, which is weird. Regardless, people are making a shitload o' dough off the little tykes, which means I need to grab some of it. I'm thinking of a male version of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. NO, I DIDN'T READ IT. But I do know that she talks to God about periods. Listen to this:

David's armpit hair had become impossible to hide. Even when he tried hugging his bicep to his ribcage, it looked like he had a Troll doll in a headlock. "Gross!" he cried aloud, revolted by his sweaty garden. "Why me?! The guys in the locker room are gonna call me 'Pube Pits' and 'Triple Crotch!'" His desperate eyes swung wildly around the bathroom. "Scissors! I need scissors!"

"Wait, David. I made that funky hair. And I didn't intend for you to trim it. That would be weird." The Voice of God was male, but British.

David plopped himself down onto the fur-covered toilet seat. "Oh. Hi God. Hey, didn't we decide that You wouldn't talk to me during bathroom time?"

"Don't be a baby," God intoned. "I've seen it all before, pal. Anyway, quit being embarrassed about your pit hair. A lot of guys wish they could have as much as you. Especially guys who have been severely burned."

David couldn't help but smile. "Yeah. I guess you're right. It's just that... why won't my... other hair start growing? I look like a Greek statue of a cherub down there."

Man, I can't help but think about how valuable this book would have been to me when I was 14. I was about half as tall as most guys, and my voice was higher than my sister's -- it didn't end up changing until my mid 20's. Turns out that one of my testicles hadn't dropped yet. A doctor finally had to coax it out with this little toilet-plunger thing he pressed up behind my scrotum. Nice guy.

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