Idea 46 - The "Better Babies" Series

Some guy has been causing a big fuss with a book called Your Baby Can Read -- apparently he figured out a way to get infants to unwittingly gurgle up word-like sounds or something. Of course, parents everywhere are cutting each others' throats to get a copy, as none of them want to own their town's last stupid baby. Now, I have no idea if his book actually works, and neither do the buyers -- they're panicking like it's some experimental cure for SIDS and they can't afford not to give it a shot.

So here I come, like a gifted vulture, armed with a whole series of exciting and theoretically effective baby-smarter-uppers:

Better Babies Can Operate An Industrial Grain Thresher
Better Babies Can Throw A Javelin Through A Steel Door
Better Babies Can Admit Weakness
Better Babies Can Chew, Swallow, And Draw Vital Minerals From Rocks
Better Babies Can Be Interesting
Better Babies Can Impersonate Government Employees
Better Babies Can Become Dangerously Mediocre Archers
Better Babies Can Win "Survivor"
Better Babies Can Program Massively Multi-Player Online Role Playing Games
Better Babies Can Star In Talking Baby Commercials Previously Made With Computer Graphics
Better Babies Can Smoke-Jump
Better Babies Can Compose Moving Rock Ballads Like Hagar-Era Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love"
Better Babies Can Eat A 32-ounce Ribeye Steak In One Sitting
Better Babies Can Excavate
Better Babies Can Smell Blood In The Ocean From Over A Mile Away
Better Babies Can Wipe

These books almost make we want to sire some babies, except they don't at all.

Idea 14 - Babypocalypse

Everybody loves babies. Lil' cerubic scamps. And everybody loves to speculate about the apocalypse. You say you liked Blindness, the award-winning Jose Saramago masterpiece-turned-feature-film? Compared to this one, that thing reads like Goodnight Moon. Look:

At first, there's widespread joy. Babies spring up en masse out of odd places like car mufflers and sink drains. They're playful and abundant, and we all rejoice in this time of infant plenty. Then they stop aging, feeling pain, needing food, cooing, and being susceptable to physical harm of any kind. And their numbers quadruple every day. The planet is lousy with newborns.

All they do is eat everything that's not tied down, shit oddly cube-shaped nuggets of toxic waste, and cry like they've been left outside in a thunderstorm.

Everybody goes bonkers. Goodbye, society.

This might be the most original idea that's ever happened. Viral marketing opportunity: wrap the walls of nurseries with funhouse mirrors that make it look like there's infinite babies, like in Enter The Dragon.

People will flip out. And buy the crap out if the book. Watch out!